Don't sing songs to a heavy heart! 
 The resident I have visited with for over 2 years, recently heard from two physicians words none of us ever want to hear. The doctor who did her colonoscopy, “You have a malignant tumor”  Then several weeks later her surgeon, “The cancer has spread and we could not get it all.”   I was present during both pronouncements.  Immediately, because I am a “fix it” type of person, I wanted to….well, fix it.  But obviously I couldn't. 

 So then I thought if I could say just the right words I could at least fix how she felt.  Even I knew I was wrong about that. So I talked to the surgeon, my pastor, and I prayed. Boy, did I pray to please, please if she could not be cured, to please show me how I can help her.

I remember saying to myself, “Listen” and “Recognize the problem”   A week passed and I started wondering why I knew to do the above, when it occurred to me that I took a workshop in 2010 at Westminster-Thurber’s (http://westminsterthurber.org/blog) "Tools For the Servant” workshop based on the book by Ph.D. Kenneth C. Haugk , “Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering.” 

(The title is taken from Proverbs 25:20   “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.) 

The excellent presentation at the workshop was by Joanne Foster.   Thankfully that workshop stayed with me, even if I didn't remember immediately where I learned it.  Initially I thought I would share some of the suggestions presented by Ms. Foster with our volunteers, but then decided it was important advice for everyone.   Here they are:

Listen:  Be quiet and follow their lead, Focus o them, NEVER share horror stories. Listening is the closest thing to a magic bullet in your care skills.

Love and Care are Actions: Send cards and notes, Make phone calls, Ask questions, Use humor carefully, Share reading materials, Assure people of God’s love

Words that hurt and NEVER should be used: I know how you feel, It’s for the best, Keep a stiff upper lip, At least……, You should/shouldn’t…..

This brave resident whom I have had the privilege of visiting is not an educated person, but she is a Christian. She doesn't recite Bible verses.  I don’t even know if she has ever read the Bible, but she believes in Jesus and she lives her faith. She has had more tragedy in her life than you can imagine, but she is unwavered in her faith..  So after her initial shock and recovery from surgery I reminded her that no matter what humans say or think, God has a plan for us and He will take care of us.  She replied, heartily, “OH I KNOW!” Then she told me a visiting pastor once sang her the song “His Eye is on the Sparrow” and it is her favorite hymn. 

The refrain of that song is:

                    “I sing because I'm happy

                     I sing because I'm free

                     His eye is on the sparrow

                     And I know he watches me”

She said “You know He watches me too.”  I agreed.  I printed out the words to that song with some graphics and today she asked me to hang it on her wall.

 People often say to our volunteers what a wonderful thing we are doing but I want you all to know that we receive much more than we ever give. We learn about bravery and faith and love from the residents we visit.       

If you have a caring heart and want to learn more about BBA, please contact me, Cheryl L. Newman at 
bettybrewersangels@wowway.com
614-309-4677